My heart bleeds

My foster babies are amazing, they’re doing well in school (STRAIGHT A’S) and they’re personalities are insanely fun. They’re always optimustic, they take being in the system very well, and they’re happy through it all. Kids are resilient, they roll with the punches.

I overheard Bells talking and she said she would be really sad if she went home because her family is here, she went on about how she would miss my hugs, Bunny’s company, and Lemons laugh. A thousand little daggers penetrated my heart. I want her to go home, I want her family to be the best they can be, I want her to live the life she deserves. Reunification. Reunification. Reunification. That’s my ultimate goal. I can’t hide the hurt in my heart…it’s still there. She calls me mom, I tuck her in every night, and I praise her for all of the great things she does. I also scold her when she’s naughty, punish her, and guide her. I am her foster mom.

I’m angry too. I’m angry at her bio family for not understanding that she is an absolute jewel. I am angry that she has never really been loved in a conventional way until she had come to our home. I’m angry that no one helped her with homework, had dinner at the table with her, or tucked her in at night and told her she was loved. I’m angry because I see all of the potential in her, I see her kind heart, and I can see that one day she will be a leader…but her bio family couldn’t.

Bells and Shy have been with us nearly 10 months, I wish I could say that’s a long time in the foster care world. Unfortunately, it’s not. I love having them around, our family dynamic changed a little but in a positive way. It hurts me to make normal family plans, like a vacation, and plan for them to be here or buliding a new home and making sure they have their space. Not because I don’t want them to come or be a part of what we are doing, oh no, I love them and I want them to be involved…they are my babies,  even if the timeline is unknown. I have this overwhelming guilt that if they do go home, or to another foster home, or an adoptive home, that it won’t be like this. That they won’t have family trips, Sunday rituals, the love and support. It is all unknown and that is scary. It hurts. It aches. It’s definitely a thorn in my side.

The biggest curse of foster care is the caring part. I love them, I will always love them, but loving someone and losing someone goes hand in hand in this system. No matter how much you prepare yourself…it gets you.

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