I said no.

I’ve always struggled with saying no when I get the call from my agency trying to place a child. I’m the yes woman, I always want to help. Short term, yes. Out of my age range, yes. Possibly permanent, yes. Both Husband and I agreed when we first started providing a home for foster children that medically fragile, sexual behaviors, or extreme anger just wouldn’t fit in. We want to keep our family safe and we want to be mentally sound and not constantly stressed out. Oddly enough, the case that was presented wasn’t any of those things. You see, I’ve learned about family dynamics, I know that taking on this case could potentially take something from my current placements or my bio children. I wanted to say yes but that would be selfish of me. I wanted to say yes, my heart hurts.

I’m feeling sad right now, I wanted to say yes but with the case presented I knew it just couldn’t work. I feel more sad that I was specifically requested by my agency to take on this child; I said no. I feel like I let a child down, I feel like I let my agency down, I feel like I let the DYFS down. Deep down I know what I chose was the right choice; it still hurts. I want a third placement, I want to help my community, I want to help a child.

This is not part of the training, no one said I would feel these ranges of emotions. No one told me I would feel like a failure. No one told me that I would feel like I personally let a child down. Foster care is hard.

I’m going to try to hang onto some positive feelings, I’m going to build a blanket fort with my kids. I’m going to laugh, smile, and play, with them and try to remind myself that I did what was right. I hope we get another call soon.

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